I live life as if assuming I won’t live to have a long life, and I can’t remember the last time I didn’t think this way.

Every night I go to bed just slightly disappointed (some nights more than others), that I don’t have a fatal disease, and I wonder (and hope) my expiration date is nearer than I could imagine.

But my fear is that I’ll end up living a long life, because that would be just my luck.

Some people just weren’t made to live in this world long, and I really feel like I’m one of them. Or I hope that I am.

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hellooooo.

It’s hard to believe that people care enough about me when I feel like I could fall off the face of the earth and it would take at least a few days for anyone besides like, my mom, to realize I’m not around.

Also, when you’re unemployed, it feels like you’re on the outside looking in on everyone else functioning normally and dealing with their jobs even if they hate them. But I did that for a long time. I had to do what I did. But sometimes it still feels like I failed. Like I should have continued being miserable for even longer. Except when you’re beyond miserable, it’s a lot harder to pretend you give a shit about anything at all.

Choosing to think of the kind authentic words that have been said to me recently from unlikely people. And if they could come up with the nice things they said, surely I must not be so bad and forgettable, right?

deep track.

“She wasn’t radio friendly. She wasn’t the song with the hook you can’t get out of your head. You’d have to listen to her a bunch of times to appreciate her, and then you’d be glad you did.”

I realize when I think about my life in the future, that I don’t even think about anything past 60 (which may be normal). I don’t want to live to an old age. Especially with chronic health problems. And the way my brain functions (or doesn’t function).

Life will always be a struggle with me. Regardless of how many stressors are or are not in my life, no matter how ‘good’ things may go, it all feels like a mountain to climb, to appear like a functional adult like most other people. But even when I’m happy and having a ton of fun, there’s still this underlying depression, disillusionment and general apathy under the metaphorical carpet that is my life. It’s like the smell of cat pee which is so hard to get rid of even after you clean (multiple times). And then it feels like it’s a part of your identity.

And I wonder if people generally go to bed and wake up in the morning ready for whatever comes. I wake up after not enough sleep, and feel slightly disappointed that I did. It takes so much effort to get out of bed and shower, and then get out of my shower and put myself together.

When will I have a spring in my step? When will I feel super excited about whatever may come? Will I ever want to date someone again and let them into my life and soul and thoughts? Will I ever be able to accept compliments when I get them? Will I ever feel like I’m more than an inconvenience and pity friend and convince myself that people who care about me won’t be disappointed in me and bounce as soon as I do something wrong?

goodbye franny q

I finally parted with my beautiful vivacious yellow Beetle today. It makes me teary-eyed just thinking about it. I know she is an inanimate object, but I was so attached to her. We felt like a team. She made me happy, she took me to so many places. So many solo drives late at night when I needed to get away from everyone. Solo drives on weekends when I just wanted to drive and see where I ended up. So many memories made in that car. So many rides give to so many people who I don’t talk to anymore. 15 years is a long time to own something. She was my comrade and made me feel safe.

I don’t really know what will end up happening to her now, and I feel guilty, like I abandoned her. Obviously I know she can’t feel anything, but because she still worked (questionably), I feel like I should have ridden her to her death when it would have been way too expensive to revive her yet again.

Bye Franny. I miss you already and I love you. I’ll miss seeing that bright yellow shell of yours. I’m keeping the sunflowers from your vase. Safe travels.

I wish I could hibernate all the way through thanksgiving, christmas and new year’s and just wake up when it’s all over. I’d save money and stress and overwhelming feelings of loneliness and unmet expectations.

There’s a tiny part of me that feels a little pleased when people who put on a façade of having a perfect relationship or marriage have it fall apart. Or people who were together for a very long time still end up breaking up. It’s comforting to know that no one is immune from getting dumped.

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