deep track.

“She wasn’t radio friendly. She wasn’t the song with the hook you can’t get out of your head. You’d have to listen to her a bunch of times to appreciate her, and then you’d be glad you did.”


I realize when I think about my life in the future, that I don’t even think about anything past 60 (which may be normal). I don’t want to live to an old age. Especially with chronic health problems. And the way my brain functions (or doesn’t function).

Life will always be a struggle with me. Regardless of how many stressors are or are not in my life, no matter how ‘good’ things may go, it all feels like a mountain to climb, to appear like a functional adult like most other people. But even when I’m happy and having a ton of fun, there’s still this underlying depression, disillusionment and general apathy under the metaphorical carpet that is my life. It’s like the smell of cat pee which is so hard to get rid of even after you clean (multiple times). And then it feels like it’s a part of your identity.

And I wonder if people generally go to bed and wake up in the morning ready for whatever comes. I wake up after not enough sleep, and feel slightly disappointed that I did. It takes so much effort to get out of bed and shower, and then get out of my shower and put myself together.

When will I have a spring in my step? When will I feel super excited about whatever may come? Will I ever want to date someone again and let them into my life and soul and thoughts? Will I ever be able to accept compliments when I get them? Will I ever feel like I’m more than an inconvenience and pity friend and convince myself that people who care about me won’t be disappointed in me and bounce as soon as I do something wrong?

goodbye franny q

I finally parted with my beautiful vivacious yellow Beetle today. It makes me teary-eyed just thinking about it. I know she is an inanimate object, but I was so attached to her. We felt like a team. She made me happy, she took me to so many places. So many solo drives late at night when I needed to get away from everyone. Solo drives on weekends when I just wanted to drive and see where I ended up. So many memories made in that car. So many rides give to so many people who I don’t talk to anymore. 15 years is a long time to own something. She was my comrade and made me feel safe.

I don’t really know what will end up happening to her now, and I feel guilty, like I abandoned her. Obviously I know she can’t feel anything, but because she still worked (questionably), I feel like I should have ridden her to her death when it would have been way too expensive to revive her yet again.

Bye Franny. I miss you already and I love you. I’ll miss seeing that bright yellow shell of yours. I’m keeping the sunflowers from your vase. Safe travels.

I wish I could hibernate all the way through thanksgiving, christmas and new year’s and just wake up when it’s all over. I’d save money and stress and overwhelming feelings of loneliness and unmet expectations.

There’s a tiny part of me that feels a little pleased when people who put on a façade of having a perfect relationship or marriage have it fall apart. Or people who were together for a very long time still end up breaking up. It’s comforting to know that no one is immune from getting dumped.

there are some days where i can’t get home fast enough to put on my PJs, crank up the AC, pop open a beer and watch (consistently crappy) baseball. today was one of those.

I feel this way sometimes. I generally enjoy my life, but I also feel like I wouldn’t mind if I was in a fatal accident or got ill enough to die. Then people wouldn’t judge me. Usually I hope (and think logically anyway with the chronic health issues I have) that I won’t live to be super old. I’d be okay with dying “young”.

I do try to live life to the fullest (that I can handle, based on my introvertedness and physical energy), and I love many many things about life, but I also would be okay if everything ended tomorrow. Life is so exhausting and stressful and overwhelming, when you stop to think about it. It would be nice to hibernate & take a mental nap. A sleep where you wake up happy and excited and you feel well-rested. When you don’t have this perpetual anxiety that you can’t fool yourself into thinking is not actually there, churning and churning in your gut.

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