I realize when I think about my life in the future, that I don’t even think about anything past 60 (which may be normal). I don’t want to live to an old age. Especially with chronic health problems. And the way my brain functions (or doesn’t function).

Life will always be a struggle with me. Regardless of how many stressors are or are not in my life, no matter how ‘good’ things may go, it all feels like a mountain to climb, to appear like a functional adult like most other people. But even when I’m happy and having a ton of fun, there’s still this underlying depression, disillusionment and general apathy under the metaphorical carpet that is my life. It’s like the smell of cat pee which is so hard to get rid of even after you clean (multiple times). And then it feels like it’s a part of your identity.

And I wonder if people generally go to bed and wake up in the morning ready for whatever comes. I wake up after not enough sleep, and feel slightly disappointed that I did. It takes so much effort to get out of bed and shower, and then get out of my shower and put myself together.

When will I have a spring in my step? When will I feel super excited about whatever may come? Will I ever want to date someone again and let them into my life and soul and thoughts? Will I ever be able to accept compliments when I get them? Will I ever feel like I’m more than an inconvenience and pity friend and convince myself that people who care about me won’t be disappointed in me and bounce as soon as I do something wrong?


There’s a tiny part of me that feels a little pleased when people who put on a façade of having a perfect relationship or marriage have it fall apart. Or people who were together for a very long time still end up breaking up. It’s comforting to know that no one is immune from getting dumped.

surreal is the only word I can come up with to describe how it feels when someone you knew from childhood, someone your age, passes away. it’s a different kind of sadness to process. one minute they’re here, living their life, the next they’re gone. no matter how many times it has happened, it still fills me with shock. because any one of us could be next. and it will never be something anyone can get used to, not at this age. we’ve only lived a third of our lives.

too many of the good die young.

If I bother trying online dating again in the future, this is the perfect profile description:

Congratulations, you’ve stumbled upon my profile! Which means you have excellent taste and you’re going to meet your future wife. BUT IT WON’T BE ME. Why? Because I am the one before the one. We’ll exchange some texts and go on a few great dates, and then BAM you’ll meet your future Mrs. I don’t know how or why, however I’ve been bestowed this gift of being an involuntary matchmaker, without ever meeting the other person that I set you up with. Cheers!

And my tagline will be:

Your future girlfriend should thank me.


happy birthday to me! I survived the first year of my 30s. And what it a year it has been…

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑