There’s so many little stressful and unfortunate things happening and they’ve begun to pile up together and I’ve emotionally shut down. My coping mechanism of becoming numb is to the brink. I’m in hibernation mode when it comes to feelings. I smile and say the right things outwardly and get my work done, and function as a person generally should, but on the inside, I’m just like “what-the-fuck-ever I don’t fucking care, someone give me a damn lobotomy”. I’m really stressed and it’s wreaking havoc on me, mentally and physically. And then when I stop to acknowledge how stressed and anxious I am, I start to get into panic mode and I start to feel like I may not be able to breathe.

2017 (and most of 2016) has just been such a thick sludge of shit. Honestly the only truly fun amazing and soul-energizing moment from this year has been my escape to New York.

Overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed in so many ways about so many things.


Trying to figure out how it’s possible that I am able to feel totally alive in some moments and totally detached in other moments, and sometimes even neurotically feel both within the same breath. Defensively embracing life?

on the suicidally depressed…

“We are dying. Yet, unlike a cancer patient who is gently encouraged to let go when his battle is lost and his pain unbearable, we are told to hold on. And when we no longer can, we are hated, laughed at, looked down upon. The cancer patient who dies becomes a hero. We become an embarrassment. A shameful thing to be hidden away.”  –Carrie Lange

Food for thought. Don’t hide away the people you’ve lost to suicide. They too were suffering, from cancer of the mind.

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