I realize when I think about my life in the future, that I don’t even think about anything past 60 (which may be normal). I don’t want to live to an old age. Especially with chronic health problems. And the way my brain functions (or doesn’t function).

Life will always be a struggle with me. Regardless of how many stressors are or are not in my life, no matter how ‘good’ things may go, it all feels like a mountain to climb, to appear like a functional adult like most other people. But even when I’m happy and having a ton of fun, there’s still this underlying depression, disillusionment and general apathy under the metaphorical carpet that is my life. It’s like the smell of cat pee which is so hard to get rid of even after you clean (multiple times). And then it feels like it’s a part of your identity.

And I wonder if people generally go to bed and wake up in the morning ready for whatever comes. I wake up after not enough sleep, and feel slightly disappointed that I did. It takes so much effort to get out of bed and shower, and then get out of my shower and put myself together.

When will I have a spring in my step? When will I feel super excited about whatever may come? Will I ever want to date someone again and let them into my life and soul and thoughts? Will I ever be able to accept compliments when I get them? Will I ever feel like I’m more than an inconvenience and pity friend and convince myself that people who care about me won’t be disappointed in me and bounce as soon as I do something wrong?


There’s so many little stressful and unfortunate things happening and they’ve begun to pile up together and I’ve emotionally shut down. My coping mechanism of becoming numb is to the brink. I’m in hibernation mode when it comes to feelings. I smile and say the right things outwardly and get my work done, and function as a person generally should, but on the inside, I’m just like “what-the-fuck-ever I don’t fucking care, someone give me a damn lobotomy”. I’m really stressed and it’s wreaking havoc on me, mentally and physically. And then when I stop to acknowledge how stressed and anxious I am, I start to get into panic mode and I start to feel like I may not be able to breathe.

2017 (and most of 2016) has just been such a thick sludge of shit. Honestly the only truly fun amazing and soul-energizing moment from this year has been my escape to New York.

Overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed in so many ways about so many things.

Trying to figure out how it’s possible that I am able to feel totally alive in some moments and totally detached in other moments, and sometimes even neurotically feel both within the same breath. Defensively embracing life?

Someday I will be able to accept compliments without feeling uncomfortable and thinking that the person complimenting me either has no idea what they’re talking about or is just trying to be nice or doesn’t really mean it.

That someday may however be when I’m just a jar of ashes.


this show and this OTP will never get old. #allthefeels #dontfrostthepie #aliasmarathon

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