I live life as if assuming I won’t live to have a long life, and I can’t remember the last time I didn’t think this way.

Every night I go to bed just slightly disappointed (some nights more than others), that I don’t have a fatal disease, and I wonder (and hope) my expiration date is nearer than I could imagine.

But my fear is that I’ll end up living a long life, because that would be just my luck.

Some people just weren’t made to live in this world long, and I really feel like I’m one of them. Or I hope that I am.

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hellooooo.

It’s hard to believe that people care enough about me when I feel like I could fall off the face of the earth and it would take at least a few days for anyone besides like, my mom, to realize I’m not around.

Also, when you’re unemployed, it feels like you’re on the outside looking in on everyone else functioning normally and dealing with their jobs even if they hate them. But I did that for a long time. I had to do what I did. But sometimes it still feels like I failed. Like I should have continued being miserable for even longer. Except when you’re beyond miserable, it’s a lot harder to pretend you give a shit about anything at all.

Choosing to think of the kind authentic words that have been said to me recently from unlikely people. And if they could come up with the nice things they said, surely I must not be so bad and forgettable, right?

deep track.

“She wasn’t radio friendly. She wasn’t the song with the hook you can’t get out of your head. You’d have to listen to her a bunch of times to appreciate her, and then you’d be glad you did.”

There’s a tiny part of me that feels a little pleased when people who put on a façade of having a perfect relationship or marriage have it fall apart. Or people who were together for a very long time still end up breaking up. It’s comforting to know that no one is immune from getting dumped.

Someday I will be able to accept compliments without feeling uncomfortable and thinking that the person complimenting me either has no idea what they’re talking about or is just trying to be nice or doesn’t really mean it.

That someday may however be when I’m just a jar of ashes.

 

this show and this OTP will never get old. #allthefeels #dontfrostthepie #aliasmarathon

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